getting into the Christmas mood!!!

It's Christmas eve and I'm at home, reading.

It seems sooo long ago when we (my friends & I ) used to plan out our X'mas eve escapade a month ahead! Yup, those were the days when we used to plan the entire night out, book tables in advance and so forth...

Now, all I hear is 'I'm workin or I'm exhausted la or why don't we just chill at home instead'.

What a contrast huh...

I have to admit that I kinda like the peace and quiet... So here I am, on my beautifully lit-up bed, typing away, on what I should be doing tonight in oppose to what I'd be rather doing tonite instead...

Merry Christmas everyone... :)

p/s: Nothing say's it better than Calvin & Hobbes's 'Christmas Eve Poem'...

losing your cool & then hastily getting it back!

well... I lost my cool today. And it wasn't COOL! At all!

Lost it with Paavaan. I think I could have handled it better.
Considering the fact that I'm THE ADULT! And he's the 9 year old.

I owe him an apology. A big, huge one. And a Barney hug too.

OK..I think I owe him a whole lot more that that...
A big scoop of gelato after his morning football practise would do the trick, I hope...

Keeping my fingers crossed now...

ditching em' hypocrites!!!

its been a while...

A long time since I had wanted to write anything here...
It consisted of memories i wanted to knock out of my head... of people i no longer hold any respect for.

All in good faith for myself.

Well, truth be told- im happy now. Far more happier than I have been in a long time.

And I felt an intense need to put it to paper...or in this case, my blog...

I'm saying goodbye to those who hurt others just to stay on top of the game, at any cost.
And to those who pretend to like everything & everyone when they don't...
Damn em' hypocrites...

I wish em' all the best...

saying auf wiedersehen to old habits...

Today is DAY 94 since I had a fag. After 10 long years of spending only-god-knows-how-much on ciggies everyday, I had finally kicked the habit.

Nope, I did not try those Nicotine patches and it sure wasn't the gum either. Actually... I had quit 'cold turkey'.

After 2 failed attempts on quitting and countless number of days (& not to mention nights) where my mum and friends had tried to psychologize me into believing that it really is bad for you, my 9 year old son, Paavaan was the one who had hit home with his inquisitive question and comment on smoking.

"Mum" he said, " Smoking is bad. People die from smoking". "Yes, people sure do" I said.
Then he asked, looking sad " So, you're gonna die soon from smoking, huh?"

I guess that did it for me. I had nothing to say.
Truth be told, I didn't know what to say to my 9 year old.
I was flabbergasted.

You see, I'm a single parent. A friend of mine had once pointed out to me that I'm both his father and his mother. And its true.

My son's conclusion on my life span kept echoing in my head. I felt like a knife was being pushed deep into my chest. It was awful. It was painful.

I wanted to, or rather, I needed to be around long enough to watch him leave high school, graduate from some over- priced uni, fall in and out of love, get his car license & his bike license, climb mountains, experience the joy that comes from winning swimming competitions & the sadness that comes from losing it, feel the wind on his face and live his life...

Sure, we all die some day. But I would have brought this upon myself no matter how I try to justify its validity, its need.

I'm proud to say that I no longer find a need to smoke my Dunhill reds & relish in its calming effect.

Now, I run instead.

loving & then losing...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message 'He Is Dead',
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

~ W.H.Auden

facing up to Murphy's Law every once in a while!

"Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way."

Talk about Murphy's Law at its worst! Yesterday was awful! Everything that could go wrong, did! The only thing missing was rain. All I needed was to get soaked in the rain! Then it would have been perfect!

......................................................................................................................................................................

...giving up the unimportant

Today is DAY 16 since I had my last smoke...

YUP! I had quit smoking! Finally...after 11 years and 2 failed attempts.

I finally realize that the important , after a while becomes 'unimportant'...

...all about Vicks vapoRub & quitting smoking!

Talk about falling sick! Astham attack last week... Food poisoning this week..
What next... tonsils infection?! (Sorry Jo!)... :)

Anyway, I stopped smoking yeasterday. Today is officially DAY 2! And I intend on keeping it going... here's to good health (minus the cigarettes, asthma attacks, stomach cramps...& yada yada yada!)...

...getting stabbed in the heart with a blunt fork!

Could you imagine how horrible things would be if we always told others how we felt? Life would be intolerably bearable.
- Randy K. Milholland


I had accidentally blurted it out the other day. Not literally... but I HAD let it slip out. And I was confronted for that 'slip' last night. I love surprises. I do...but not in this context. I should say that I'm a very private person, when it comes to my angst, sorrows, misery...even tears! My joys I LOVE sharing though.

I had no need to say out loud how I feel/ felt of one particular Mr G... Or so I thought! And I had tried...tried, to keep it all nicely wrapped up... Hidden away in some corner of my heart...to be forgotten at some point or another!!! Not to be shared with anyone, least of all- HIM!

Of course, when one is confronted of certain issues, from the way I see it there are 2 options:

1. Deny everything & act dumb
2. Just own up... tell em' the truth, like it is...

Me being me, went with option No. 2. And now I feel like crap. He didn't want me (gosh! That was painful to even type out!)...not in that sense. He's not ready for any form of a 'relationship' with anyone at this point. I happen to be the most interesting person he knows...one of em, enjoys my company, talking to me, there's no need to do anything but to just be himself around me. That bit of info made me feel like I'm one of the guys instead!

So here I am, feeling all mixed up inside. I need to put this aside and move on. HOW? you ask.... Honestly, I have no freaking idea. Right now, apart from the big gaping hole that I already had in place for GOD- knows- how- long in my chest, it feels as if I was stabbed with a blunt fork in the exact same place too!

...doing peculiar stuff on the elevator!!!

Let's see if i can muster up enough courage do do either one of these crazy stuff below... Read on...

Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

...a beautiful piece of art

Illustration from the Bhagavad-gita Manuscript... beautiful piece of art.

of comfort and despair...

Two loves I have, of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman coloured ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turned fiend,
Suspect I may, yet not directly tell;
But being both from me both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell.
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.

- William Shakespeare

taking a trip down memory lane

I was in Dubai last October. It is a very interesting trip. Was there for an event, but of couse we managed to get around quite a bit.It was a melting pot of different people from far away lands. It was an amazing mesh of food, colour, people and even their sand storms were so surreal.

Sweets... Dubai style!

A walkpath at the souk...

one of their amazing malls! can't remember the name though...

that's me...with a bigger than life size ancient invention in the same mall...


My sis (far left) and her looney friends! She works in Dubai...

That's me...lookin all professional!

Another mall with a beautiful dome structure..

Construction everywhere...

The Burj Dubai at dawn...

the view from our balcony at Al Fattan towers...

More to come....

having no control over it!

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

Sucky annit! That feeling of no control!

...starting lifelong dreams

“My mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me.”

I ran the marathon on Sunday. Finally! After wanting to for many, many years. I finally got around from making excuses for my self. It has been a lifelong dream. And it came through. I made it happen.

Of couse, my dear friend Suresh was part of it. He said " Yes, Nosh. Let's run the marathon. Look up the schedule online & we'll go for the next one." So that's what I did. And what do you know...we had a bunch of people from the office who joined us as well.

It started early Sunday morning at 7.07 a.m. The rest of 'em were late as they got lost. So I went ahead. As the horn blared, I told myself " Don't stop. Once you start running, don't stop" and I

didn't. I finished it!!! I didn't give up!

So yea, I've started this lifelong dream to run in marathons & I intend on continuing.

And you know what, every participant got a medal! That was good motivation too!!!

... a quiet whisper in my ear

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives". - Annie Dillard

As we sat on the beach, staring out to the darkened sky...watching the tide roll in; I couldn't help but wonder "Shouldn't we do this more often? This sudden urge to just pick yourself off the damn couch and drive off to the beach on a weekend. Completely unplanned!". This must be the life of the free. The life of the uninhibited person, completely oblivious to do's & don't of the "current society" today. But then again, I'm anything but a "person of the norm".

It was a sudden thing. Let's drive up to PD again this weekend, have a barbecue and camp out on the beach. That was Poovie's and Seelan's suggestion. It wasn't a question really...Sunder, Ram and I agreed, of course. Ram was already there with Seelan. Anyway, the decision that evening led to the 5 of us meeting up at about 12 a.m. (yup, it was that late!). We barbecued, sang many a merry songs, camped out on the beach, slept for a bit, climbed out to the lighthouse and ran like hell back down, stayed up chatting & laughed like hyena's throughout most of it.

It was the company. It was the location. It was the suggestion.
It was the whole notion of being away somewhere...anywhere. I enjoyed myself. Tremendously. More than I had expected.

I felt liberated that night. It was as if a little secret was whispered into my ear quietly, as the calm sea breeze blew in... That this life is mine for the taking and I am going to LIVE it.

a broken tape recorder

"Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me. The Carriage held but just ourselves and Immortality"- Emily Dickinson

The past week has been one for reflections- on death. I know, this probably isn't the best topic to start a blog with... Yea, its my first try at writing my two cents worth of opinion in the form of this blog, but anyhow, I've gotta start somewhere right.

Anyway, as my dad's eleventh year prayers approached last Friday, i was filled with a peculiar sense of happiness & a deep sense of loss all at the same time.

It was all mixed up. Somehow. Somewhere. It got all mixed up.

For the first time in eleven years, it felt as if he was at peace. And that thought brought tears to my eyes. At the same time, the constant ache that one feels from losing someone you love- what I wouldn't do to hear his voice for just one time...just once, to hear him say "I love you sayang"... to hear him move around the house as quietly as possible in the wee hours of dawn... to watch him walk hand in with my mum... to hear his loud, contagious laughter...to watch him running around the garden doing wheel carts at the age of 50...!

I remember him for his compassion, for his words of wisdom for the injured soul, his laughter, his warmth, his quiet disposition, his inability to say "NO" to any man, woman, child & animal in need, his " do unto others as you would have others do unto you" motto & the list would go on..and on...

As years fade away, I remember everything he's ever said to me. That's odd, isn't it. You would think that you'd forget. In actual fact is you don't. You REMEMBER. They are like broken tape- recorders; constantly playing at the back of my head. A broken- tape recorder that I'd want to hear play for the rest of my life.